I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
