Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
