She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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