Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I cut my penus on the lid.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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