I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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