so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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