I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
