you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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