trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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