Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
