There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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