dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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