Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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