Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize