This girl is more easily done than said...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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