If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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