cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
