I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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