I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
