We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize