'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
