im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
