I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
