don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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