Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
