My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
