I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
