K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
