she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
