Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
