dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He better not be in your backpack
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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