Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You need Xanax blowdarts
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
