i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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