Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize