Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
