I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
