My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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