I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
