mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Randomize
