apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
