Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
