Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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