He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
