U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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