I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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