Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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