a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
