every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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