Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize