Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
