so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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