just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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