I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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