I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
