im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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