Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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