I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
