Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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