If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize