my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
